Some of his many one-liners: - "My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'" - "I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt." - "My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'"
- "I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."
- On his marathon live shows: "You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox."
- "Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed." - "I did 25 minutes running on the spot this morning - I had my braces caught in the banister." - At the Royal Variety Performance: "This audience tonight represents the creme de la creme. That's French for evaporated milk."
- On approaching his 80th birthday: "Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." - "Did any of us in our wildest dreams ever think we'd live long enough to see the end of the DFS sale?"
- "I wanted to take the dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go." - "It turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of coconut"
- "A lot of people don't actually have a sense of humour, you know. It's a pity they’re all gathered here in this theatre tonight."
Posted originally on old Google Blog in 2018
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